I find myself up and crying by 5 a.m. today. Last night, the ever-so slight dizziness I’ve been feeling suddenly got worse. I feel drunk, without the joy of a cold martini in my hand (oh how I miss those). I rack my overburdened brain trying to figure out what it could be. I know this time it’s not my malaria pills because it came too long after I took them. Is it a side effect of my high dose IV antibiotics? Is it yeast overgrowth in my body? Yeast can sometimes cause dizziness and antibiotics breed yeast. Maybe that’s it. Or, is it a variation of my usual Herx reaction, which is telling me the medication is working to kill off whatever Lyme bacteria is happily using my body as a playground? Figuring me out is a job I don’t want anymore. It’s way too big. It's too much responsibility. I did it faithfully for years but I’m out of ideas.

Should I hold off on upping the dose of my antibiotics as planned? Should I forge forward because that’s what I always do? Is my body telling me I need a break, or is that too risky? Is my body even saying anything at all?

I’m looking for signs but I don’t see any. My doctor is 13.5 hours calling time away (and it’s Sunday night there). Even if he answers, there are no guarantees he’ll know how to help. It’s all on me (sigh).

This is a tough disease. There is no black or white about it. Lyme Disease patients live in the gray areas of diagnosis, treatment and recovery. Like it or not, I’m supposed to listen to my body, feel it out, and know what’s best. Well, what if I don’t? Admittedly, I’ve been here before, many times, and eventually I find my way no matter how painful and slow.

It seems that if anyone should have a sense of what to do, it should be me -- the person who has been hosting this invisible nuisance for way too long, all while aggressively encouraging it to leave my tired body. The best I can do is guess and with all those baby stem cells trying to do their job, guessing just doesn’t seem good enough.

Homesickness creeps in most at times like these. What I wouldn’t give to cuddle on the couch with a plate of comfort food, and a football game on TV. But, it’s also times like these that make me remember I am here for a reason. I really believe one day, all these little things (like medicine or not, and why in the world am I spinning?) will just be questions I had to find answers for on the way to wherever this winding, uneven path I’m traveling leads.

When I get there, I’ll look back at this time and say, “Ohhhh, that’s how it was supposed to go.” And even though I know all too well that everyone must take their own journey, if I can just tell someone where a few shortcuts might be hidden, it will make this road seem a little less bumpy when I look back.

Until then (go ahead, sing), I’ll just cry if I want to....cry if I want to.....you would cry too if it happened to you (da, da, da, da, DA).

*The title for this blog was borrowed from one particular blog that struck my heart -- although it's been the topic and title of many posts across the net. Please visit The Lori Miller Memorial Project.